My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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