I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
