Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
