youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
