last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
