just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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