yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
