Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
