Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
