I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
