Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
