I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
