Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
