cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
