she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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