I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
