my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
