my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i love accidental penises.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
