Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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