just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
