Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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