'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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