So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
