Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
