Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
