She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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