I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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