I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
