Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize