I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize