If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
