I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize