I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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