one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
