Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
