i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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