It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize