My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
