so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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