Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
