I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
