I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
