You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I want a musical about memes.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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