Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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