neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
