Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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