i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
