Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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