can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
