i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
