mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
