Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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