The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
