ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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