I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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