By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
