I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
