i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
