In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
